If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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