Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
