Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize