a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize