My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
