I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
