Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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