why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
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