I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Randomize
