I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
