dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
