I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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