My liver just broke up with me...
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
