Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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