He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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