I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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