If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I think people are normalizing furries
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
