I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
