Where did you get a picture of my penis
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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