...so i touched it.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
