He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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