I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
