The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
