Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
