Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
