how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
