We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
