You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
