I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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