Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
