The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
