Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
