the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just want nice things and good sex
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize