The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
