I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Randomize
