I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
