I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Four minutes until I can fart!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
