Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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