My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
