It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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