Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
