i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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