So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
