I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
