What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Someone shattered a urinal.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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