you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
