allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
