Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
