i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
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