The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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