Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize