There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Dicks are not precious.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
