After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
