you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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