Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
