That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
