Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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