I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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