so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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