Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
